


Under The Streetlight

by inaudible_d



Category: Arashi (Band)
Genre: M/M, Self-Harm, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-28
Updated: 2015-06-28
Packaged: 2018-04-06 14:37:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,524
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4225662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/inaudible_d/pseuds/inaudible_d





	Under The Streetlight

It was a cold night of a spring when Sho found out that something weird was going on. Jun told him that he had left the studio since an hour ago but he hadn’t arrived at home yet. The studio was just around the corner, it would be illogical for him to take an hour drive from there to home.

Sho took his phone and pushed his speed dial. The dial tone beeped once, twice, four times, ten times, then voice mail. Jun didn’t pick up. Worry started to creep on Sho’s spine. Jun never ignored his call. Ever. He would either pick it up or reject it to let Sho know that he’s busy. But never ignore.

Sho called once again and received the same response. Or no response, actually. He was alerted, highly alerted. Something was not right, his guts told him. He took his wallet and keys and dashed outside. The studio was just around the corner so he decided to go there.

When he was just out of his rooms, he saw a huddle of people on the street in front of the building. He felt a rush of bad feeling on his heart by then. He aborted his plan to go straight to the basement parking and went outside instead.

Once he was outside, he could not only see the people, but also hear the voices. People were murmuring about “how young!” and “what happened actually?” and “I think he was drunk”. Sho felt something twisted his stomach painfully. He walked closer and closer to the center of the huddle and finally, he saw what had attracted people’s attention.

The objects on the scene were shattered but somehow looked familiar to Sho. He walked closer and closer, not minding anything at all. Himself and the wrecked scene were the only things that were on Sho’s mind at that moment. Everything felt numb and dull when he finally got right before the big broken object in the middle of the street.

It was Jun’s car.

\---

Sho couldn’t believe his eyes at first but when he saw paramedics bringing Jun inside the ambulance, he lost himself. He ran into Jun who was lying unconscious on the bed. He shook off everyone who tried to stop him, he just wanted to hold his Jun by then.

Some police officers came and tried to hold him into place, but he kept trashing, kept struggling. He needed to make sure that his Jun was all right. Car could be bought again later, everything could be replaced just as easy, but not Jun.

He broke himself free and ran and finally he was inside the back of the ambulance. He wanted to hold his Jun but he had to refrain himself to do so. His more logical part of the brain was telling him that he must not touch anything of Jun’s body by then for anything could go wrong just by that.

Sho didn’t even realize that he held his breath on the way to the hospital.

\---

It felt like forever for Sho when he had to wait for the operation to be finished. He waited, restless, scared, insecure, in front of the operating room as the lamp on the door kept glowing, signing that it wasn’t over yet. If Sho didn’t know better, he’d probably had broken in to see his Jun, but he knew it would result in nothing, so he waited. He waited when the nurse got out and in the room again. He waited when people started to look at him questioningly for he didn’t wait sitting on the chairs, he sat hugging his knees in front of the operating room’s door. He waited, when the lamp was turned off but no one came out of the room.

He waited, and finally the doctor got out, his face unreadable.

Sho felt as he could feel the world was spinning under his feet. He wanted to scream and shout to the doctor, demanding explanation on Jun’s condition. But he could not. He could not after the doctor said those two words, “I’m sorry”.

The doctor let Sho in to see Jun for one last time. He stood in front of the hospital bed, frozen. Jun looked beautiful. His face was tainted by bloodstain and wound, but he was still as beautiful as ever. Sho walked closer to Jun slowly, didn’t even realize it when he was already beside Jun. He took Jun’s hand on his. It was still warm, the remnant of Jun’s body’s warmth. Although, on Sho’s hand, it felt colder than ever. Sho pulled it closer to his chest, he clutched on it and held it close.

“Jun, wake up,” Sho whispered even though he knew that it wasn’t possible anymore.

“Jun,” Sho repeated, a drop of tear fell from the corner of his eye.

“Jun,” more tears fell from both of Sho’s eyes as he brought Jun’s hand to his face.

“Jun,” Sho’s voice croaked as his tears flowed from his eyes to Jun’s hand.

“Jun! Wake up, god damn it!” Sho yelled, losing it, as he pulled Jun’s body for a hug. He sobbed and cried harder when he felt Jun’s stiff body, not even a little responding to his hug.

On the corner of the room, the doctor watched the scene with sympathy. He even told the nurse to just let the man be and take care of Matsumoto san’s death later. He didn’t know them, but the sadness and desperation that was felt by the man was filling the room and he thought he understood, even just a bit. That it was necessary to give the man his time with Matsumoto san, for the last time.

\---

Sho woke up that day with a slight headache. He tried to get up, but then he could feel the world spinning again so he lay back down.

“Jun?” he called out. Jun had been out of bed, so it wouldn’t be too much to ask a small favor as bringing a glass of water and an aspirin, would it?

“Jun?” Sho called again, a bit louder, when he didn’t hear any response for his first call.

Sho waited, but he still heard no response. He listened closely for any sound from the bathroom, thinking that Jun was probably inside, too absorbed with himself that he didn’t hear. But there was no sound from the bathroom either.

That’s when it hit Sho. Jun was not there. In fact, Jun would never be there again forever.

Suddenly Sho felt his headache getting worse and he saw black.

\---

It took exactly three days for Sho to finally get up of the bed and walk around the house. He tried his best to feed himself and do the chores, even though it only resulted in empty cups of instant noodles piling on the trash. He would forget that Jun wasn’t around now and then, like when he was looking for the TV’s remote control and couldn’t find it anywhere, or that time when he didn’t have any clean clothes left on the drawer, or that time when he saw no beer can left on the fridge. Every single time, when he remembered, he would fall down to his knees and cry in silent.

It took exactly one week for Sho to finally get out of the house. He decided that it would be unhealthy to stay in, even though he ended up on a bar drinking by himself. It was a good thing that he managed to call Nino before he fainted on the bar after swallowing more amount of beer that night than his usual one week consumption. He woke up the next day, feeling ache all over his body, when he saw Nino on the sofa in his room.

“Ah, you’re up, Sho yan,” Nino said when he saw Sho trying to get up.

“Why are you still here?” Sho asked him, a little harsher than he intended to.

“I’m worried about you,” Nino answered, not minding Sho’s tone, “I haven’t heard anything from you for the whole week, not even on Jun’s funeral, and when you called me you were wasted.”

“I’m sorry to make you worried,” Sho murmured.

“He’s gone, Sho. I understand that you’re sad. But is it necessary to grieve like this? You didn’t even attend the funeral. He would be sad if he knew this, you know,” Nino said slowly.

Sho clenched his fist. How dare Nino said that? _He doesn’t know how it feels. He has no idea how the world seems like it would fall apart anytime now that Jun’s not here._ But instead of screaming the words out loud to Nino, Sho just nodded and said that he agreed with him.

No one will ever understand anyway.

\---

People said that time will heal everything, but after experienced it himself, Sho started to doubt it. No amount of time could heal his heart that was broken the night that Jun went away. Sho tried to live as if nothing had ever happened, as if he hadn’t just lost the most precious person in the whole universe for him, yet he still failed.

Because every now and then, he would remember that he needed Jun in his life then he would feel it again. The pain from the permanent wound on his heart.

Sometimes, when Sho remembered about Jun, he would curse Jun all he could for leaving him alone. It was easy for Jun that he’s in some other place already. He could easily forget Sho however he wanted, while Sho was still trapped in their old lives, missing him from time to time.

Sho wanted so bad to forget Jun, to stop loving Jun, to act like Jun never existed in the world. But of course he couldn’t.

Probably it was because of the faint smell of Jun’s perfume on their closet. Probably it was because of Jun’s favorite cuff bracelet that he somehow forgot to wear on the day he died that Sho never had the heart to throw away. Probably it was because of the coffeemaker they had in the kitchen that was picked by Jun.

Or probably because Sho’s life was basically revolving around Jun. Everything in Sho’s life reminded him of Jun. And it killed him slowly.

\---

It wasn’t on purpose when Sho cut one of his fingers when he tried to prepare himself a dinner. Sho groaned when he felt the pain on the tip of his finger and reflectively flicked his finger. He put the knife down and walked to look for his first aid kit.

Then something stopped him. He looked again at the tip of his finger where blood was dripping.

Instead of being taken aback by the slight pain, Sho felt a warm wave of content inside him. It had been a while since he could actually feel again. Apparently, all it took for him to feel again was just a little scratch of knife on his skin. He drew his finger close to his mouth and licked the drip of blood.

It surprised him when he felt a pleasant taste on his tongue. The most pleasant taste he had since he couldn’t feel Jun with his mouth anymore.

He looked at the knife he put down before and reached to grab it. He swung it a bit before, purposefully by then, made a cut on his another finger.

\---

Sho still watched the sight on the road below him from the balcony. He wondered what actually happened that night because he never knew the truth. All he knew was that Jun was avoiding a crazy driver who sped up from the opposite direction. The road was a one way street, of course Jun didn’t expect it. They crashed and the guy got some injuries, then was jailed for breaking the road law. But that’s all.

Sho actually wanted to hunt the man down and kill him with his own hands, but as expected, Nino prevented him to do so. In fact, Nino was following his every movement since the night he got drunk Sho once joked that Nino should got him that thing that they put on a house arrest. Nino seriously considered to put it, actually, only didn’t take it into action because Sho swore that he’d cut his own leg if Nino did that.

The view on the road below was vacant. There were not many passer-bys or vehicles on the road. It was around ten on a Sunday evening. The streetlight illuminating the road gave a pleasant feeling for Sho when he saw it.

Then Sho realized it.

Probably it wasn’t because of the road’s light. Probably it was because that road was the closer he’d ever get to feel Jun’s presence again.

A lot of thoughts suddenly rushed inside Sho’s mind one after another. When they stopped, Sho was already firm with a resolution.

Flicking the knife on his hand, he whispered, “wait for me there, Jun.”

\---

The road was still fairly empty, but a loud scream broke the silence, made people from inside the building get out to see what happened.

There it was, on the middle of the road, a lump of flesh and a pool of blood. It was supposed to be a human, but it had fallen from a very tall building around so it wasn’t recognizable anymore. People started to murmur, had no idea on what to do, looking at the dismembered body in front of them.

It was a good thing that it didn’t take long for the police to come and take care of it.

\---

Nino was out with Aiba and Ohno for drinks when his phone rang. He picked it up mindlessly, but then hearing the tone from the other line he was alerted and walked to the more quiet space of the bar. Aiba saw him walking away and watched with curiosity as Nino’s face turned from worried to surprised to a complete pale color. Aiba’s eyes were the first thing Nino’s eyes had a contact with after the phone ended.

Nino walked hastily back to where his friends for the night were waiting and packed his things in a rush.

“It’s about Sho chan. I have to leave now,” he told them briefly.

“Wait,” Aiba said, holding Nino’s wrist, “we’ll come with you.”

\---

It was raining on Sho’s funeral. Nino, Aiba, and Ohno attended it together, mostly because Aiba insisted that he didn’t want to come alone, but actually, he was worried about Nino.

Nino was quiet and silent since the night they found out about Sho’s suicide. Deep inside, Aiba understood that it was all too hard for Nino to lose his best friends in that way. He told Aiba once after Jun’s death that he would take care about Sho and made sure that Sho wouldn’t do anything stupid. Yet, here they were, at Sho’s funeral, heartbroken for losing another friend.

Glancing at the grave for one last time, Aiba took Nino by putting his arm on Nino’s shoulders and pulled him closer.

“Let’s go home, Nino.”  



End file.
